my journey to wellness

I must admit I do enjoy the cheekiness of the young.  Two entertaining tee-shirts I’ve spotted on campus in the last week: 

Meat is Murder.  Tasty tasty murder.

Trees … the real cause of forest fires.

I took a group counselling course with an instructor who used to remind the class constantly how everything was “a metaphor for your whole life.”  That included the course itself. 

A few mornings ago, as I was struggling with my new “medical alert” bracelet for my diabetes (had to get one now that I’m on insulin), I couldn’t help but think how that was also “a metaphor for my whole life.”  Try as I might, I just couldn’t get that darn bracelet on by myself.  I finally relented and asked my husband to help me.  I soon saw the bracelet as a metaphor for my life with diabetes.  I try and try on my own, but I just can’t do it alone.  I struggle in vain until it is finally apparent even to me (did I mention that stubbornness thing?) that I must ask for help. 

I have slowly come to accept that needing and asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of courage.  That reaching out is a risk that reaps immeasurable rewards.  Distance may be safe but it is also empty.  And that while letting people in is scary, it is the only way to lead a life full of love. 

You know how people always tell you that you need to experience the bad to appreciate the good?  I feel I am living that experience right now. 

I have been wanting to go back to some kind of paid work for several months now.  My first choice was a part-time job (doing something that I love) so I could balance our family life with my work.  Well, that was proving very difficult to find.  So, on a bit of a whim I took a part-time job at a local place that I shop. 

Let’s just say that the experience propelled me to get off my hiney and get a “real” job.  After one evening of floor mopping (I know, I know) I got down to some serious business of firing off my resume.  Actually, when they initially told me I was going to be mopping the floor I was like, “Can I phone my husband to come in and do it for me?  He’s much better at floors than I am.”

 So now, a few months later and in a “real” job, I am thanking my lucky stars.  I’m actually doing a job related to my background, I’m working with amazing people, and guess what?  they’re totally into food.  Every day I’ve been there we’ve had some sort of shared eating experience.  There’s nothing like bonding with people while you have a mouth full of food (sounds slightly suggestive doesn’t it?)

So yes, sometimes crap is good for you.

Okay, so my hubby and I recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary (we lived in sin for 5 years before that and dated while maintaining 2 sinful abodes for another 3 years before that - so to me it’s more like our 23rd anniverary!).  I can honestly say the time has gone by in the blink of an eye. 

Well, this year he gave me the best anniversary gift ever:  3 live lobsters from Nova Scotia!!  I have been pining for lobster lately and have wistfully mentioned on several occasions that we really need to go out for a lobster dinner.  (He’s not a big fan of the creatures so if we go out he can eat something else.) 

He came home from Nova Scotia very late the night before our anniversary.  In the morning he showed me the precious cargo of yummy crustaceans in our fridge. 

Needless to say we had a wonderful dinner that evening:  steamed lobster with clarified butter, bbq ribeye steaks (my fave cut), butter wrinkled green beans, sauteed garlic mushrooms (don’t ask how much butter we ate that night!), baked potatoes, and a delicious dark chocolate orange cake with vanilla ice cream.   No wonder I married the man.

So my hubby recently sent me an e-mail that contained the following link.  It describes the “12 germiest places” in your life.  Out of the entire article, I couldn’t help but wonder who was the poor sod whose job it was to measure the amount of feces in each pair of dirty underwear … 

http://barfblog.foodsafety.ksu.edu/2007/10/articles/food-safety-communication/12-germiest-places/index.html

My porn:  FoodNetwork.

His porn:  the Golf Channel.

I’m hoping that I will look back at this time in my life as a period that helped define who I really am.  Cuz in all honesty, right now it sucks pretty darn bad. 

I just had a good sob and that helped somewhat. 

I’ve talked several times about the incredible support I get from so many people in my life.  Right now, the people whom I generally lean on are all dealing with their own issues, and I feel so helpless at times.

Having an addictive crutch I could turn to seems very appealing at this point (does caffeine-free Diet Pepsi count?)  And what exactly would that addiction be?  Bad-tasting fizzy brown water?  I could go to BTFBWA.  Think I may have to be the founder of that one.  Funny how the sarcasm never seems to abandon me.  It just includes more curse words.

Anyway, now that I feel I’m right in the thick of it all, I do NEED to write.  I’ve been looking very inwardly lately and I now need to spend some time spewing it all.  So, duck and cover.  This one may be ugly. 

So, you know I’m on the vegan diet.  The low-fat, low-GI, low-carb, no caffeine, no artificial sweeteners, no nuts, no avocadoes, no olives, vegan diet.  And this has been about a month now and I’ve lost 4 pounds which isn’t bad.  But the disgusting thing is, my hubby who is only part-time on the aforementioned diet, while still maintaining the coke-swilling, chocolate-bar-inhaling, and bacon-and-pizza-eating diet, has lost 5 pounds. 

Undeniable evidence that life is not fair. 

So it’s now 3.5 weeks into the vegan diet.  Surprisingly, I’m not yet ogling anyone’s burgers, wings, or even bacon (altho’ I do feel we need new legislation to regulate what is allowed to be called bacon.  Soy bacon is definitely an oxymoron).  The whole thing (maybe due to its newness) still feels like a bit of a grand adventure.  I always seem to be eating outside of the mainstream anyway, so “not eating what everyone else is eating” is nothing new. 

While I don’t really miss the meat, I do miss the cheese.  I used to eat a lot of cheese - it was such a quick and delicious snack.  And it “really” melts, not like the “puddling” of soy cheese.  The Dr. Barnard book I read said that there are 4 types of foods that we physiologically crave, and they have been shown to affect our brains in similar ways to drugs or alcohol.  They are:  sugar, chocolate, meat and cheese.  So maybe I need to go to some “Cheese-Eaters-Anonymous” 12-step program to help me through this withdrawal.  Or maybe systematic desensitization where I work my way up to being able to watch pizza commercials without screaming in agony.

On the upside, I’ve lost 4 pounds while eating my usual huge amounts of food.  I’ve also re-discovered the cookbook section at the library and have effectively cleared the shelves of dozens of vegan cookbooks.  I’m planning to post some excellent new recipes on my cookbook site ellenlovescookbooks.com  so check it out if you’re in the mood for eating beans.  I’m the queen of beans these days!

And my blood sugars you ask?  The jury is still out on those.  As far as I can tell, they’ve stayed about the same (at least in the morning which is my every day testing time).  Maybe they’ll continue to improve as I stay on the diet.  And losing more weight may help, and giving up all caffeine and almost all artificial sweeteners, and exercising more, and reducing stress, etc., etc., etc. (I hear the King of Siam in my head when I type that).  I feel I need to trust this process (that’s not easy for me) and stay the course.  I still have 2 months until my next A1c (3-month blood sugar average) and I’m hoping for the best.  Wish me luck and send me your best vegan recipes … 

Insulin. 

On a recent trip to my endocrinologist (due to inadequately controlled blood sugar levels) I heard the dreaded word:  insulin.  The long and short of the situation is that I’m running out of ways to get my sugars under control.  I was doing the low carb diet, the meds and the exercise.  Now the doctor has added a 2nd diabetes med (the maximum dosage) and still all is not tickety-boo.  His question to me was:  what do we do if this doesn’t work?  His suggestions:  another drug to add to the first two (causes weight gain) or bedtime insulin.  Whatever urgency I was feeling before has now become major motivation.  Insulin to me is the absolute last resort.  And this is not a fear of the unknown, rather it is a fear of the known.  I had to use insulin when I was pregnant with my younger daughter and it sucks.  Twice-a-day injections in the thigh:  morning and evening.  And the myth that it doesn’t hurt is just that, a myth. 

So, I did what I had to do when the going gets tough - I went to the library.  The book that leapt into my hand that day is a fairly new one (2007) by Dr. Neal Barnard.  In stark contrast to my low carb diet of old, Dr. Barnard advocates a vegan, low-fat, low G.I. diet.  In his well-researched book he very clearly describes what goes on in the cells of people with type 2 diabetes.  Apparently we have little bits of fat in our cells and mitochondria are responsible for eating up this fat.  Unfortunately, we people with type 2 diabetes have fewer mitochondria in our cells, so the fat is not effectively munched up.  The problem arises because it is the fat that causes our cells to become insulin resistant.  Adopting a low fat vegan diet eliminates fat from our daily intake, reduces the fat in our cells, and decreases insulin resistance.  This should result in better blood sugar levels and lower blood pressure.

So I switched.  I have given up my bacon(!!!) and eggs and am now eating oatmeal every morning for breakfast.  My chicken wings have been replaced by tofu dogs and I have waved bye bye to butter, margarine, and even peanut butter (too high in fat and protein).  It’s still early in this new lifestyle (5 days now) but so far it hasn’t been too bad.  I need to eat every few hours, but I feel really good about what I’m putting into my body. 

And my blood sugars?  Well, the first day they were through the roof (one after-meal reading was over 20).  But slowly, they seem to be coming down.  They’re still too high, but my next A1c (3-month blood sugar average) will be the real test.  My last A1c was around 8.6 when ideally it should be less than 7.0.  I have a few months before my next doc appointment to test the effectiveness of this new diet.  In the meantime I’ll be back at the library, looking for vegan cookbooks.