As I watched my younger daughter tear up her spelling test today (because she did not get the mark she wanted), I tried to convince her that the number was unimportant. She had worked hard studying for the test over the past week, and that was more important than her actual score. But to her it was a big deal. She knew she had studied hard, so getting 3 wrong was like a slap in the face. She also used the number to compare herself to the other children sitting at her table. She decided that she was the “dumbest” because everyone else got a better mark than she did.

While my heart was breaking for her, I couldn’t help but think about how I too struggle against the numbers in my life. When I was younger it was mostly a struggle with my weight. I have only recently been public about how much I weigh because I want my daughters to think about their weight as just one number in the equation of their overall health: not the be-all and end-all of their existences. I know I will be only one influence in their lives and we will be at a constant battle against all that is evil in the media today. One of our family members already struggles with an eating disorder, and this is a huge problem amongst young girls these days.

The day-to-day struggle for me now is my blood sugar numbers. My older daughter today told me that my meter reading was bad (she is incredibly rule-bound). I tried to explain to her otherwise, but she retorted that it is supposed to be between 4 and 7, so everything else was bad. While I too try to convince myself that it is just a number, it’s incredibly hard to stave off the disappointment when things are not as you want them to be. One way I relieve my disappointment is through writing - my blog is definitely therapeutic. And many studies have validated the therapeutic value of writing - journaling your fears, regrets, anxieties, etc. is a good tool for lessening your negative emotions.

Other haunting numbers in my life are those in my bank account. For a while I was getting increasingly anxious about our debt. When I sat down and really thought about it (I meditated on it actually), I realized that I was equating the dollars in the bank (or lack thereof) with my self worth. I was interpreting my perceived lack of money as a reflection of my value as a person. I have never valued the “rat race,” but my challenge now is to earn more money while being true to my own needs and values. I try to reflect my values in where I spend my money, and I need to also reflect my values in how I earn money.

But my most pressing task is to help my daughter continue to see her own self worth in the face of disheartening “objective information.” To convince her that she is NOT her spelling test. That she is wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and delightful. And I’m not saying that just cuz I’m her mother.