I’m hoping that I will look back at this time in my life as a period that helped define who I really am.  Cuz in all honesty, right now it sucks pretty darn bad. 

I just had a good sob and that helped somewhat. 

I’ve talked several times about the incredible support I get from so many people in my life.  Right now, the people whom I generally lean on are all dealing with their own issues, and I feel so helpless at times.

Having an addictive crutch I could turn to seems very appealing at this point (does caffeine-free Diet Pepsi count?)  And what exactly would that addiction be?  Bad-tasting fizzy brown water?  I could go to BTFBWA.  Think I may have to be the founder of that one.  Funny how the sarcasm never seems to abandon me.  It just includes more curse words.

Anyway, now that I feel I’m right in the thick of it all, I do NEED to write.  I’ve been looking very inwardly lately and I now need to spend some time spewing it all.  So, duck and cover.  This one may be ugly. 

So, you know I’m on the vegan diet.  The low-fat, low-GI, low-carb, no caffeine, no artificial sweeteners, no nuts, no avocadoes, no olives, vegan diet.  And this has been about a month now and I’ve lost 4 pounds which isn’t bad.  But the disgusting thing is, my hubby who is only part-time on the aforementioned diet, while still maintaining the coke-swilling, chocolate-bar-inhaling, and bacon-and-pizza-eating diet, has lost 5 pounds. 

Undeniable evidence that life is not fair. 

So it’s now 3.5 weeks into the vegan diet.  Surprisingly, I’m not yet ogling anyone’s burgers, wings, or even bacon (altho’ I do feel we need new legislation to regulate what is allowed to be called bacon.  Soy bacon is definitely an oxymoron).  The whole thing (maybe due to its newness) still feels like a bit of a grand adventure.  I always seem to be eating outside of the mainstream anyway, so “not eating what everyone else is eating” is nothing new. 

While I don’t really miss the meat, I do miss the cheese.  I used to eat a lot of cheese - it was such a quick and delicious snack.  And it “really” melts, not like the “puddling” of soy cheese.  The Dr. Barnard book I read said that there are 4 types of foods that we physiologically crave, and they have been shown to affect our brains in similar ways to drugs or alcohol.  They are:  sugar, chocolate, meat and cheese.  So maybe I need to go to some “Cheese-Eaters-Anonymous” 12-step program to help me through this withdrawal.  Or maybe systematic desensitization where I work my way up to being able to watch pizza commercials without screaming in agony.

On the upside, I’ve lost 4 pounds while eating my usual huge amounts of food.  I’ve also re-discovered the cookbook section at the library and have effectively cleared the shelves of dozens of vegan cookbooks.  I’m planning to post some excellent new recipes on my cookbook site ellenlovescookbooks.com  so check it out if you’re in the mood for eating beans.  I’m the queen of beans these days!

And my blood sugars you ask?  The jury is still out on those.  As far as I can tell, they’ve stayed about the same (at least in the morning which is my every day testing time).  Maybe they’ll continue to improve as I stay on the diet.  And losing more weight may help, and giving up all caffeine and almost all artificial sweeteners, and exercising more, and reducing stress, etc., etc., etc. (I hear the King of Siam in my head when I type that).  I feel I need to trust this process (that’s not easy for me) and stay the course.  I still have 2 months until my next A1c (3-month blood sugar average) and I’m hoping for the best.  Wish me luck and send me your best vegan recipes … 

Insulin. 

On a recent trip to my endocrinologist (due to inadequately controlled blood sugar levels) I heard the dreaded word:  insulin.  The long and short of the situation is that I’m running out of ways to get my sugars under control.  I was doing the low carb diet, the meds and the exercise.  Now the doctor has added a 2nd diabetes med (the maximum dosage) and still all is not tickety-boo.  His question to me was:  what do we do if this doesn’t work?  His suggestions:  another drug to add to the first two (causes weight gain) or bedtime insulin.  Whatever urgency I was feeling before has now become major motivation.  Insulin to me is the absolute last resort.  And this is not a fear of the unknown, rather it is a fear of the known.  I had to use insulin when I was pregnant with my younger daughter and it sucks.  Twice-a-day injections in the thigh:  morning and evening.  And the myth that it doesn’t hurt is just that, a myth. 

So, I did what I had to do when the going gets tough - I went to the library.  The book that leapt into my hand that day is a fairly new one (2007) by Dr. Neal Barnard.  In stark contrast to my low carb diet of old, Dr. Barnard advocates a vegan, low-fat, low G.I. diet.  In his well-researched book he very clearly describes what goes on in the cells of people with type 2 diabetes.  Apparently we have little bits of fat in our cells and mitochondria are responsible for eating up this fat.  Unfortunately, we people with type 2 diabetes have fewer mitochondria in our cells, so the fat is not effectively munched up.  The problem arises because it is the fat that causes our cells to become insulin resistant.  Adopting a low fat vegan diet eliminates fat from our daily intake, reduces the fat in our cells, and decreases insulin resistance.  This should result in better blood sugar levels and lower blood pressure.

So I switched.  I have given up my bacon(!!!) and eggs and am now eating oatmeal every morning for breakfast.  My chicken wings have been replaced by tofu dogs and I have waved bye bye to butter, margarine, and even peanut butter (too high in fat and protein).  It’s still early in this new lifestyle (5 days now) but so far it hasn’t been too bad.  I need to eat every few hours, but I feel really good about what I’m putting into my body. 

And my blood sugars?  Well, the first day they were through the roof (one after-meal reading was over 20).  But slowly, they seem to be coming down.  They’re still too high, but my next A1c (3-month blood sugar average) will be the real test.  My last A1c was around 8.6 when ideally it should be less than 7.0.  I have a few months before my next doc appointment to test the effectiveness of this new diet.  In the meantime I’ll be back at the library, looking for vegan cookbooks.

I have been away from my “blogging practice” lately.  In pondering the whys of this situation, it dawned on me that I seem to have room for only so many “practices” at any one time in my life.  For instance, if I’m working hard on my healthy eating practice, my blogging practice drops off.  Or if I’m spending a lot of time on my cooking practice, some of my exercise practices may fall away. 

I have recently begun a new healing visualization practice, to work on ridding my body of the diabetes it does not need.  This is one practice I cannot afford to give up.

I have incorporated the healing visualizations into my regular meditation time, which is right before I go to sleep at night.  I originally began meditating because I had a hard time falling asleep.  I find that meditating calms my mind and body, and allows sleep to overtake me.  When I first started, I used a CD, but now I can usually reach a meditative state quite quickly and easily. 

Incorporating the visualizations has given my meditation more of a focus.  I get bored quite easily, so I alternate between many different scenarios in which I visualize my body returning to its healthy state.  One of the challenges of a chronic illness like diabetes is that my body sees this state as its “new normal.”  My body needs to be reminded of its once healthy self so it can begin the process to return there. 

As I watched my younger daughter tear up her spelling test today (because she did not get the mark she wanted), I tried to convince her that the number was unimportant. She had worked hard studying for the test over the past week, and that was more important than her actual score. But to her it was a big deal. She knew she had studied hard, so getting 3 wrong was like a slap in the face. She also used the number to compare herself to the other children sitting at her table. She decided that she was the “dumbest” because everyone else got a better mark than she did.

While my heart was breaking for her, I couldn’t help but think about how I too struggle against the numbers in my life. When I was younger it was mostly a struggle with my weight. I have only recently been public about how much I weigh because I want my daughters to think about their weight as just one number in the equation of their overall health: not the be-all and end-all of their existences. I know I will be only one influence in their lives and we will be at a constant battle against all that is evil in the media today. One of our family members already struggles with an eating disorder, and this is a huge problem amongst young girls these days.

The day-to-day struggle for me now is my blood sugar numbers. My older daughter today told me that my meter reading was bad (she is incredibly rule-bound). I tried to explain to her otherwise, but she retorted that it is supposed to be between 4 and 7, so everything else was bad. While I too try to convince myself that it is just a number, it’s incredibly hard to stave off the disappointment when things are not as you want them to be. One way I relieve my disappointment is through writing - my blog is definitely therapeutic. And many studies have validated the therapeutic value of writing - journaling your fears, regrets, anxieties, etc. is a good tool for lessening your negative emotions.

Other haunting numbers in my life are those in my bank account. For a while I was getting increasingly anxious about our debt. When I sat down and really thought about it (I meditated on it actually), I realized that I was equating the dollars in the bank (or lack thereof) with my self worth. I was interpreting my perceived lack of money as a reflection of my value as a person. I have never valued the “rat race,” but my challenge now is to earn more money while being true to my own needs and values. I try to reflect my values in where I spend my money, and I need to also reflect my values in how I earn money.

But my most pressing task is to help my daughter continue to see her own self worth in the face of disheartening “objective information.” To convince her that she is NOT her spelling test. That she is wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and delightful. And I’m not saying that just cuz I’m her mother.

I’ve described my use of supplements in previous posts, but I have always felt like I was piecing together bits and pieces of information from various sources, while not knowing which supplements were “essential.” Most recently I have been taking chromium, a multivitamin, and extra vitamin C to boost my immune system. I’ve never done any empirical research, such as testing my blood sugar levels with or without the supplements, so I cannot honestly say I know they work for me. However, in my case, I’m sure the psychological effects are positive as I feel like I’m being proactive in treating my diabetes.

Yesterday, I was sent a link to an article about the “4 best supplements for diabetes.” Those supplements are chromium, magnesium, Vitamin E, and alpha-lipoic acid. In the article, a brief description of each supplement is given, its potential benefits, and also nutritional sources of the ingredient if available. It’s a concise article that emphasizes the most important supplements, so you can eliminate the guesswork in figuring it out for yourself.

Today, I went out and bought myself some magnesium, Vitamin E and ALA. I am committing to more regular blood sugar testing as an adjunct to the additional supplements, so I can monitor any changes. Once a week I will do a full day of testing (7 readings in all) and I will test at least once a day for 5 out of the remaining 6 days (with one day off - phew!).

This reminded me of an old psych study (these are the types of things I think about in the middle of the night) which studied various manipulable factors of workers’ environments, to see if they had any influence on their efficiency. The findings indicated that any type of change improved efficiency - not because the change itself was efficiency-enhancing, but because the researchers were spending time studying the workers, the workers naturally became more efficient. So what’s my point? My point is that I’m expecting that I will see an improvement in my blood sugar levels simply because I am spending time studying it. It’s natural to “pull up one’s socks” a bit if you know you will have to test your blood sugar. Kinda like when you keep a food record you automatically eat less.

So, I’m assuming that part of the improvement I see will be attributed to the record-keeping itself. But I’m also hoping to see even greater improvement due to the supplements themselves. I’ll let you know how it all goes. In the meantime, if you’re interested in checking out the “supplement article” I mentioned previously, please click on the following link.

www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/natural-health/vitamin-boutique/supplements/diabetes?msc=A62588

I’ve been doing lots of reading and thinking lately, about attracting to me what I want in my life - to continue to expand all that is good and discourage the not-so-good stuff. I’ve been ready to let go of my diabetes for quite some time now. So I’m trying to consciously reflect that in everything - including my blog title.

I do think of myself as a pretty smart person. And I have come to realize that there are a few areas in my life where I’ve chosen to accept less from myself. One area is my diabetes and all its baggage, and the other is my financial wellness, where I’ve been procrastinating my butt off. I’m not sure why that is, but I think it has deep psycho (no, that is not a typo) roots in believing I don’t deserve the best. My personal theory of the human experience is that all psychological unwellness has its roots in the belief that we don’t wholly and completely love ourselves and accept ourselves. Think about it for a minute - if you had complete self-acceptance you could let so much stuff go. You wouldn’t care about what the teacher, or the doctor, or the butcher, baker or candle-stick maker thought about you and your spawn (even if they ARE evil). You wouldn’t have to foist your issues on any one else. You could pursue what was nearest and dearest to your heart even if your parents think you should become an accountant. Or a brain surgeon. Or at least a Rhodes scholar. You could say goodbye to a lot of extraneous crap.

So, I’ve decided to work harder on my physical health and harder on my financial health. And I’ll bring you along for the ride …

7.  From Discouraged to Encouraged

Don’t let diabetes get you down.  Diabetes can be a lot of work and sometimes even your best efforts don’t seem to pay off - like when you follow your doctor’s recommendations exactly, but still your blood sugars are elevated!  That is understandably frustrating.  But it is not your fault.  There are ways to make diabetes care encouraging rather than discouraging.

• Measure your diabetes care success in a realistic manner.  You can never be perfect, nor do you need to be.  Blood sugars rise and fall, sometimes for no obvious reason.  So learn about the A1c test, a blood test that measures your average blood sugar over the previous 10-12 weeks.  Your A1c result is the best way to determine how you are really doing and it can help you handle the frustration of the wacky blood sugar readings.  For most people, if their A1c result is in a healthy range, then they are doing fine overall, even if their blood sugars are sometimes erratic.
• Don’t let blood sugar readings determine your self-esteem.  Blood sugar results are neither bad nor good; they are just information.  To help you remember, place a small piece of masking tape on your meter and write on it, “It is just a number.”
• Set clear, specific, short-term goals for action.  If you just have a vague sense that you should be “eating better” or “checking blood sugars more often,” you might believe you are never doing enough.  With your doctor’s help, determine what your most critical self-care tasks should be, and get specific.  For example, exactly how much exercise each week?  Or what type of dietary changes at dinnertime over the next month?  By clarifying your action plan, you can tell when you are successful.

This is a pretty tough one for me.  While I try not to let my “numbers” get me down, it’s pretty hard not to get discouraged when you see high numbers staring back at you from your meter.  This is especially difficult when I have exercised, and eaten right, and still those blood sugar numbers seem to be out of my control. 

I’m sure this is part of the whole “diabetes lesson” for me.  Things can be out of my control and I can live through them.  Heck, I may even learn something in the process.  But it is still a constant battle to remember that “I am not my blood sugar numbers.”

In addition to the specific-ness of goals, I think the realistic attainability of goals is of even greater importance.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t have huge lofty goals, but I definitely believe in the reinforcing properties of success.  I set goals, but make sure I can actually reach them.  Breaking goals down into smaller steps, with specific deadlines works well. 

I also have to spend time determining if it is really my own goal, or a goal I “think” I should be striving for.  I often put other people first, and hence I often put what I perceive to be other people’s goals for me first.  If you can make good sense of this, you have a promising career as a therapist awaiting you :-)  I have had to fight against the urge to continuously express myself only through what I do for other people.  My diabetes has again been an impetus in forcing me to see myself and to recognize my own needs.

In terms of goals, one of the toughest things for me is to be able to acknowledge and accept my successes.  I have had to work hard to be able to “let in” the good stuff and take credit when I deserve it.  For me, fear of success is a much bigger hurdle than fear of failure.   

This is #6 on dr. p’s list of important things you need to know about the emotional side of diabetes. Following is one of the components of “the social side” of diabetes.

6. Arresting The Diabetes Police

Friends and family may sometimes think it is their right to help you manage your diabetes, whether you like it or not. Sometimes too much “support,” especially if you didn’t ask for it, can feel like nagging.

When friends and family are bugging you about what to eat or what to do, you may tend to do the opposite of what has been suggested. “Don’t think I should eat that piece of cake? OK, then I’ll have two pieces!” Though they mean well, they have become the Diabetes Police, and you’ve become a Diabetes Criminal.

Start a conversation. Because they care about you, it may be impossible to stop your loved ones from trying to be helpful. So instead of telling them to stop “policing” you, harness their caring in a way that can work for you. Thank them for their concern about your health, explain that their actions are not helping you (if they are not), and let them know specifically how they can be of real help. A heartfelt conversation can help you all feel like you’re on the same team, with no police and no criminals.

Consider your own role. Your loved ones may be nagging because they worry you aren’t managing your diabetes well enough. If they are wrong, let them know how well you are doing by inviting them to your next medical appointment, sharing your A1c results, or having them accompany you to a diabetes education class. If they are right, consider how you might improve your diabetes care.

More excellent advice from Dr. Polonsky.

My husband is my number one supporter and I can honestly say he doesn’t nag me about my diabetes. Come to think of it, he really doesn’t nag me about anything. I truly feel accepted and appreciated by him and he does so many things to remind me of that. If I hear him talking about me from across the room, I trust that what he’s saying about me is something good. If I do anything for him, no matter how mundane, he remembers to thank me. He is such a positive force in my life.

I didn’t really intend this post to (d?)evolve into a tribute to K2, but there you have it. Even I can’t squelch the romance all the time.