It’s rather ironic, but now that I have diabetes, I seem to be more in tune with my physical self than I ever have been before.

Because of my diabetes I sometimes feel like my body is betraying me; but at the same time, I feel like I also have a much greater understanding of my body now. Before my diabetes, when my body spoke to me, I largely tried to ignore it. When it got fat, I just put bigger clothes on it. When it got tired, I just slept more.

It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes that I really started to listen to my body. I made my body (and my baby’s body) a priority, and got in tune with it in a way I never had before. I spent my time (almost all my time) caring for my physical self. I fed myself properly; I exercised daily; I poked, prodded, tested and re-tested every day, day after day, ad nauseum.

For the first time in a long time, I actually ate when I was hungry, and didn’t eat when I wasn’t hungry. I started to eat less and then let my body tell me if it needed more. I was no longer afraid of the feeling of hunger. I worked on consciously telling myself there would always be enough food. (I’m convinced we have a primal instinct to inhale all food in sight just in case there won’t be any tomorrow).

I had never felt in tune with my physical self before my diabetes. I had never felt like I could count on my body to support me if I needed it. I had always felt awkward, overweight, self-conscious, and incongruous. My outside never matched how I felt inside. My outside was never really me.

That’s different now. Even though I’m older and greyer (or redder depending on the dye-job), I know I can count on my body. Though it’s far from perfect, it’s mine.

I ran out of my blood sugar testing strips yesterday and I’m feeling rather at a loss.

I thought I could view it as a “holiday” from my diabetes but instead I’m finding that I’m spending lots of time wondering what my sugars are doing.

Lately, because my sugars have been high, I’ve been testing more often than usual. I test almost every morning and then at least a few more times during the day. I always test when I feel “funny” - like something is unusual or different.

My meter is so helpful - it confirms or refutes my suspicions in an instant.

Most often, I intuitively know what’s going on inside of me and my meter objectively backs me up. It’s only when my feelings and my meter don’t match up that I’m perplexed.

Sometimes I just don’t know why my blood sugar is betraying me. I rack my brain - what did I eat? am I feeling healthy? did I exercise enough? did I get extra carbs unknowingly?

And then I must be still, and remind myself, that this is all part of diabetes. I can’t control it. I can’t always outsmart it. I must let go.

This is something I’ve been meaning to write about for a long time now and I’m finally getting off my buns to do something about it. Especially because I have to emphasize lower carb foods, I find I am constantly searching for new and tasty treats to add to my sometimes boring diet.

I am thrilled when I find a new food product that is both delicious and “approved” for my nutritional requirements (remember, I’m high maintenance).

Anyway, I must admit that I do love ketchup. And, ketchup is notoriously high in sugar and therefore carbs. Several months ago, I discovered President’s Choice blue menu ketchup. It’s sweetened with sucralose and has only 1g of carb and 5 calories per tablespoon as opposed to the “favourite brand’s” 5g of carb and 20 calories per tablespoon.

That means I can eat 5 times as much!

I suck at being needy. I really do. I much prefer to be competent, confident, and independent, without having to be vulnerable or ever ask for help.

My dietitian once asked me “if you were given a gift, and inside it was your diabetes, what would you say your diabetes has given you?”

My diabetes has definitely taught me how to ask for help, and how to accept help when it is offered.

I’m usually much more comfortable being strong, independent and resentful than I am comfortable with receiving love and nurturing.

So I try to remind myself how good it makes me feel to help others. How could I deny someone that feeling when they want to help me?

I’m sure you’re getting tired of listening to me rant about my blood sugar woes, but believe me I am getting tired of having blood sugar woes. My latest round of “new meds” has not been working for me - except to plunge me low and then send me soaring into the double digits for no apparent reason. My soon-to-be-on-maternity leave GP is understandably pre-occupied and we’ve been fumbling around in the dark trying to “fix” my sugars for months now.

My most recent solution to my sugar problems has been to go off of the offensive new meds until I can see another doctor. I am supposed to see my specialist soon, and this is even more crucial since my GP has no replacement and may not ever return to her practice.

So, to take matters into my own hands and try to get my sugars closer to a state of normalcy, I am returning to my low carb diet. Ugh.

It’s not the food I mind so much, it’s more the prep. Our world is not set up for low carb convenience. Other than protein bars (which are $2 each and according to my daughter, taste like play-doh), low carb snacks are pretty much non-existent. When I think about everything I put in my kids’ lunches, very little qualifies as something I could eat myself.

So it’s back to the kitchen I go to make myself a stockpile of flax and whey protein muffins, hard-boiled eggs, veggie platters and dip, chicken wings, soups, roasted nuts and delectable soy-bean concoctions.

Just to forewarn you, I may be grumpy for the next few days.

I don’t know about you, but I sometimes get overwhelmed by the little things. It’s like there’s a magic number of minutiae I can deal with and any more than that sends me into overload.

Right now my to-do list includes: figuring out what happened to the e-tickets I was supposed to receive for an upcoming Diabetes Expo; following up with my doctor (who is going on maternity leave and has no replacement!) regarding a specialist appointment she is supposed to make me; signing up for a Diabetes Group followup at my local hospital; registering my kids for their summer activities - camp, art, swimming and sewing (for my fashion-designer-wannabe daughter); sending an excuse note to school for my daughter who was sick before spring break; etc., etc.

I know it’s just the reality of everyday living, but really, it gets to be too much sometimes.

So, how will I deal with it all? I think my usual mistake is that I look at my to-do list as something that needs to be accomplished all at once. I am very completion-oriented and like to go “check - there that’s done.”

I have come to realize that life is not like that. So instead, I try to slowly whittle away at my chores and take pleasure in each one I check off my list. I squeeze them in here and there in places where I think I don’t have enough time. Often, 5 to 10 minutes is all I need and the feeling of satisfaction is so worth it when I’m done.

I’m told diabetic fatigue happens when you’re just “plum wore out” of looking after your diabetic self. I admit, I am high maintenance and sometimes I just want to eat chips and lie on the couch - diabetes or not. (But I’ll have DIET pop with that!)

I do think it’s important to give myself some breaks from the annoying routine of diabetes. This is usually a mental break, without too much straying in the food department. Sort of like, “I’m not going to focus on every molecule of food that goes in my mouth today.” The problems arise when the breaks and the treats all run together into one big orgy of self-indulgence (okay, maybe it’s more like a threesome.) That’s when the objectivity of that darn blood sugar meter puts an end to the fun and games. It never lies. While I can sometimes fool myself about the state of my health, I can never fool my meter.

Which makes me wonder how super moms can do so much. It’s almost time to go pick up the kids from school and I feel as though this has been a day where nothing has been accomplished. I exercised, coffeed, went to the doctor, filled a prescription, and shopped for dinner. That took the whole day!

Maybe I need to re-frame my thinking. I did my body a lot of good by exercising, my soul a lot of good by having coffee with the gals, worked on my diabetes and general health by going to the doctor and filling the prescription properly, and tended to my family by shopping for dinner. The weather and mountains were gorgeous and I feel lucky to be alive. What a day it has been!

I’ve been sick lately. My diabetes enables the flu/cold thing to drag on and on. It saps my energy and sends my blood sugars through the roof. While those things certainly suck, not all is bad about being forced to rest, nurture oneself and spend quality alone time.

Being sick forces me to let others do for me, to accept nurturing and to confront the slowness of life. I have to give up control (ack!) and practice patience. I’m not good at these things. Illness makes me practice.

I must admit it. I am a chip addict. Of course, this doesn’t really jive with a diabetes-friendly diet. My “solution” to this conundrum (I’ve always wanted to use that word) has been to eat Lay’s salt and vinegar chips in relatively small quantities. We’re talking chips here so you be the judge of what a small quantity really is. Basically, not the entire bag at one sitting. I’ve found the Lays s&v to be naturally limiting as if you eat too many, a few layers of the inside of your mouth - tongue, cheeks, roof of mouth - are ripped off, leaving a sensitive exposed surface with no remaining tastebuds.

Most of the time this is not a problem, as I usually wash them down with some sort of diet drink. In this case it’s actually a benefit to be a few tastebuds short.

The challenge presents itself when I have to cook something after over-consuming the s&v. Have you ever tried to cook something when you can’t taste? It’s quite a bizarre experience, and one that strips you of all that is joyous about food.

Will this make me ease up on the chips? Probably not.