So my hubby recently sent me an e-mail that contained the following link.  It describes the “12 germiest places” in your life.  Out of the entire article, I couldn’t help but wonder who was the poor sod whose job it was to measure the amount of feces in each pair of dirty underwear … 

http://barfblog.foodsafety.ksu.edu/2007/10/articles/food-safety-communication/12-germiest-places/index.html

I’m hoping that I will look back at this time in my life as a period that helped define who I really am.  Cuz in all honesty, right now it sucks pretty darn bad. 

I just had a good sob and that helped somewhat. 

I’ve talked several times about the incredible support I get from so many people in my life.  Right now, the people whom I generally lean on are all dealing with their own issues, and I feel so helpless at times.

Having an addictive crutch I could turn to seems very appealing at this point (does caffeine-free Diet Pepsi count?)  And what exactly would that addiction be?  Bad-tasting fizzy brown water?  I could go to BTFBWA.  Think I may have to be the founder of that one.  Funny how the sarcasm never seems to abandon me.  It just includes more curse words.

Anyway, now that I feel I’m right in the thick of it all, I do NEED to write.  I’ve been looking very inwardly lately and I now need to spend some time spewing it all.  So, duck and cover.  This one may be ugly. 

This is a tough time of year for the GTBR or “gut-to-boob-ratio,” as I like to call it.  You know, when you look in the mirror and think “oh my God, my gut looks bigger than my boobs!”  I have found that Christmas feasting is a definite contributor to the GTBR phenomenon, and also that there is generally an inverse relationship between the GTBR and ambitions in other areas of life!

With the Christmas schedule my usual routine has been altered, but I’ve really been enjoying the break.  As I was filling in our calendar for the upcoming year, I took the opportunity to reflect on the beauty of relaxation.  Our kids’ schedules are generally pretty packed throughout the school year.   While they do enjoy their various extra-curricular activities, the break from them all is more than welcome.  Balance in our lives is something we’re constantly striving for.  Time for play is something to cherish.

This break our whole family has had time to do the things we love - get together with family and friends to share food and talk, go to some live performances, goof off at home, and catch up on a few niggling chores - the kind where you need a quiet moment to focus your energies on the task at hand. 

I have heard that even-numbered years are ones where you enjoy completion and fruition.  They are supposed to be easier than their odd-numbered counterparts.  Won’t that be nice. 

I’m looking forward to a year of prosperity and wellness.  One of love and hope.  See you there.

I’ve been doing lots of reading and thinking lately, about attracting to me what I want in my life - to continue to expand all that is good and discourage the not-so-good stuff. I’ve been ready to let go of my diabetes for quite some time now. So I’m trying to consciously reflect that in everything - including my blog title.

I do think of myself as a pretty smart person. And I have come to realize that there are a few areas in my life where I’ve chosen to accept less from myself. One area is my diabetes and all its baggage, and the other is my financial wellness, where I’ve been procrastinating my butt off. I’m not sure why that is, but I think it has deep psycho (no, that is not a typo) roots in believing I don’t deserve the best. My personal theory of the human experience is that all psychological unwellness has its roots in the belief that we don’t wholly and completely love ourselves and accept ourselves. Think about it for a minute - if you had complete self-acceptance you could let so much stuff go. You wouldn’t care about what the teacher, or the doctor, or the butcher, baker or candle-stick maker thought about you and your spawn (even if they ARE evil). You wouldn’t have to foist your issues on any one else. You could pursue what was nearest and dearest to your heart even if your parents think you should become an accountant. Or a brain surgeon. Or at least a Rhodes scholar. You could say goodbye to a lot of extraneous crap.

So, I’ve decided to work harder on my physical health and harder on my financial health. And I’ll bring you along for the ride …

7.  From Discouraged to Encouraged

Don’t let diabetes get you down.  Diabetes can be a lot of work and sometimes even your best efforts don’t seem to pay off - like when you follow your doctor’s recommendations exactly, but still your blood sugars are elevated!  That is understandably frustrating.  But it is not your fault.  There are ways to make diabetes care encouraging rather than discouraging.

• Measure your diabetes care success in a realistic manner.  You can never be perfect, nor do you need to be.  Blood sugars rise and fall, sometimes for no obvious reason.  So learn about the A1c test, a blood test that measures your average blood sugar over the previous 10-12 weeks.  Your A1c result is the best way to determine how you are really doing and it can help you handle the frustration of the wacky blood sugar readings.  For most people, if their A1c result is in a healthy range, then they are doing fine overall, even if their blood sugars are sometimes erratic.
• Don’t let blood sugar readings determine your self-esteem.  Blood sugar results are neither bad nor good; they are just information.  To help you remember, place a small piece of masking tape on your meter and write on it, “It is just a number.”
• Set clear, specific, short-term goals for action.  If you just have a vague sense that you should be “eating better” or “checking blood sugars more often,” you might believe you are never doing enough.  With your doctor’s help, determine what your most critical self-care tasks should be, and get specific.  For example, exactly how much exercise each week?  Or what type of dietary changes at dinnertime over the next month?  By clarifying your action plan, you can tell when you are successful.

This is a pretty tough one for me.  While I try not to let my “numbers” get me down, it’s pretty hard not to get discouraged when you see high numbers staring back at you from your meter.  This is especially difficult when I have exercised, and eaten right, and still those blood sugar numbers seem to be out of my control. 

I’m sure this is part of the whole “diabetes lesson” for me.  Things can be out of my control and I can live through them.  Heck, I may even learn something in the process.  But it is still a constant battle to remember that “I am not my blood sugar numbers.”

In addition to the specific-ness of goals, I think the realistic attainability of goals is of even greater importance.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t have huge lofty goals, but I definitely believe in the reinforcing properties of success.  I set goals, but make sure I can actually reach them.  Breaking goals down into smaller steps, with specific deadlines works well. 

I also have to spend time determining if it is really my own goal, or a goal I “think” I should be striving for.  I often put other people first, and hence I often put what I perceive to be other people’s goals for me first.  If you can make good sense of this, you have a promising career as a therapist awaiting you :-)  I have had to fight against the urge to continuously express myself only through what I do for other people.  My diabetes has again been an impetus in forcing me to see myself and to recognize my own needs.

In terms of goals, one of the toughest things for me is to be able to acknowledge and accept my successes.  I have had to work hard to be able to “let in” the good stuff and take credit when I deserve it.  For me, fear of success is a much bigger hurdle than fear of failure.   

This is #5 of Dr. William Polonsky’s 10 things you need to know about the emotional side of diabetes.

5. Appreciating the Power of Pals

Diabetes is easier to manage when you have people in your life who are rooting for you. When you feel alone with diabetes, it is harder to handle.

Imagine the meaningful ways that loved ones could support you or help you feel less alone: for example, when family members join you in having healthier meals each night, when a good friend shares your anger or disappointment with a high blood sugar reading, when your spouse offers to help you with your next insulin injection, or when your neighbor agrees to join you for a brisk walk each morning. Just having someone in your life who cares can go a long way.

• Ask for the help you need. Many of your loved ones want to support your efforts, especially when you are trying to change your habits, but they may not know how to do so in a manner that fits your needs and respects your independence. So think of a small, specific way in which a friend or family member can be helpful, then ask for that help.
• Be a pal to your pals. Ask for support in a kind, considerate way. If you are too demanding, your loved ones may be unwilling to cooperate. Thank or acknowledge your loved ones when they offer support. Everybody appreciates positive feedback!
• Seek out new friends. Sometimes, friends and family just aren’t as supportive as you had hoped. So make some new friends who can understand the hassles of diabetes. Join a diabetes support group in your community. Your doctor or local hospital can help you find one that is right for you. Talking to other people with diabetes can help you feel less alone.

More excellent advice from Dr. P! I have certainly experienced first-hand the power of having a wonderful support network of friends and family. It makes everything from exercising to eating to empathizing much more fun.

But while support is wonderful, there’s a fine line between supporting and nagging. Everyone needs a break from their diabetes now and then. And everyone needs a little self-indulgence. Often, what’s not said to a person with diabetes, is even more important than what is.

A year or so ago I attended a free series of workshops entitled “Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions.” While not limited to people with diabetes, it offers all kinds of great information for anyone living with a chronic disease. I will blog more about the course and contact information in an upcoming post.

4. Giving Up the Guilt

You are not a bad person because you developed diabetes. It is not your fault. You are not “bad” because you didn’t exercise today or because you ate more than you intended last night. Nobody can manage diabetes perfectly. Guilt is common when you are living with diabetes, and it is hardly ever useful.

Because of guilt, people often establish tough, sometimes impossible rules about how to manage diabetes (”I must NEVER eat even a bite of junk food ever again.”) Since you can never be perfect, rules like these can make you feel like you are failing and can promote depression. Enough already!

• Remember that you didn’t give yourself diabetes. As people around the world grow heavier and heavier, it almost seems like everyone is trying hard to develop type 2 diabetes. Yet most “fail” to do so. Obesity and a sedentary lifestyle are contributors to type 2 diabetes, but if you don’t have the genes for it, you can’t develop it. For type 1 diabetes, your own actions played no role at all. It wasn’t all those sweets you ate as a child, or anything else you did.

• With your doctor’s help, make sure your diabetes expectations are achievable. Stop beating yourself up when you eat more than you planned, forget to exercise or skip a blood glucose test. You don’t have to be perfect to reach the level of control that can keep you healthy. Develop a reasonable behavioral plan that can help you achieve those goals, then relax!

• Get perspective. Instead of criticizing yourself for the occasional lapse, give yourself credit for all of your positive efforts to manage diabetes. Everyone needs a pat on the back, and you probably deserve one.

Go Dr. P! These are the words that everyone with diabetes needs to hear. We waste so much of our lives feeling guilty about so many things, and having diabetes can be a big contributor to those guilty feelings.

When I was first diagnosed with gestational diabetes I felt soooo guilty. I was sure that gestational diabetes was my “punishment” for having an unhealthy lifestyle. One of the very first things the diabetes nurse said to me was “it is not your fault.” A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders with those 5 words. Instead of wasting energy on my guilt, I was able to move forward and put that energy into eating well and exercising often.

I also find that guilt is often a mask for underlying emotions. Try changing the word “guilty” to a feeling word instead, like angry, sad, scared, or anxious. I once wrote a list of all the things I felt guilty about (it was a pretty long list!) I then forced myself to change the word guilty in every sentence to another feeling word. It was a real eye-opener as to what my true feelings were - and how I was trying to hide them under the guise of guilt. Peeling away the layers helped me to learn a lot more about myself.

It’s hard to believe, but Wednesday June 20, 2007 marks my first anniversary of blogging.

To celebrate the 90 some-odd posts on my life (in general and specific), my family, my friends, my diabetes, my obsession with food and all things tasty, and my overall conviction to have some laughs while still upright, I’d like to invite you all, dear readers, to post some comments.

I know, I know, you don’t really want to post anything because you’re enjoying your anonymity while being a voyeur into my life. But what about if I promise you a chance for some nifty prizes? Or at least an opportunity to be read by tens of people (who can resist that?) Or you could see it as a chance to use up that vast resource of puns you have at your ready disposal. Or just an avenue for congratulating me on sticking to something for a whole year (did I mention I get bored easily?)

The reasons are countless and my gratitude would be fathomless. So please, take a moment to post a nifty little comment. I so want to hear from you.

More words of wisdom from Dr. P. - here is number 3 of the emotional side of diabetes.

3. Defeating Denial

Denial can be a valuable tool. It can be a good way to cope with negative feelings about diabetes, especially when you are first diagnosed or when the disease is feeling out of control.

But denial becomes a problem when it is your only way of coping. Instead of a temporary tool, it becomes a permanent way of life. The response to all diabetes aggravations becomes “I will not think about diabetes anymore.” This means trouble. When you tun your back on diabetes, your long-term health will be endangered.

• Learn the important facts about diabetes. Attend a diabetes educational class or support group in your area. You need to know that: a) diabetes is a serious disease that can harm you when it is not adequately controlled, even if you feel fine; b) ignoring diabetes is likely to cause more serious health problems; c) paying attention to diabetes can help you to live a longer, healthier life.
• Stay informed about your own health status. See your doctor regularly and complete all of the recommended medical tests (such as A1C, blood pressure and cholesterol). Know the results of these tests and what the results mean. When you are well informed, you feel more able to manage diabetes and keep it under control.
• Don’t do diabetes alone. Share your thoughts and feelings about diabetes with a friend. Confiding in someone you trust can help you to gain the support and perspective necessary for making sense out of your own emotions and attitudes.

For me, the regimen of gestational diabetes self-care was exhausting and overwhelming. Meeting a friend in pre-natal class who also had gestational diabetes was such a comfort. We helped each other through all the testing, eating restrictions, and exercising, and ultimately gave birth to healthy babies.

I don’t find it easy to reach out to others for help, but the rewards make it all worth while.

Also see polonsky #2 and polonsky #1.

I just finished reading a book by Nancy Snyderman called “Necessary Journeys - Letting Ourselves Learn from Life.” One of the topics she discusses is the choices she has made in her life in terms of her career (as a surgeon and medical correspondent), and her role as a mother. She says:

“… Does the work we do - whether that is the work of a stay-at-home mother or a job in the outside world - give each of us what we need?

When we are getting what we need - whether that’s a feeling of accomplishment from supervising homework or performing surgery, an income that supports us or improves our lives, or a sense of independence - we feel strong, act strong, and get better at everything we do. Doing feeds the soul. What a woman does in her life isn’t the point; it’s how she feels about it. And how her work, whatever it is, fills her up and rounds her out.”

I think it’s difficult for people, especially women, not to judge other women. Many of our judgments are based on superficial things like career. I know I instantly get a picture in my head when someone tells me what they do for a living.

I find it challenging to explain my own life path to others (probably because it’s always changing and even I’m not sure what it is!) People are always looking for an easy and convenient explanation - a label or a category to place you into. The truth is, for me, it’s never been that simple. I’ve always caught onto new things easily, and while that’s been great for starting things, the challenge quickly fizzles and I’m looking for something new.

For now, the answer for me is continuing to do many different things. Projects and contracts are great because they’re fun for a while and then they’re done. Continuing to go to school, to expand my mind and my spirit, works well for me. Writing feeds my creative needs, and my family overflows me with love and a whole spectrum of emotions. All I need now is some bucks!