Never eat more than you can lift.

- Miss Piggy

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

- Jerry Seinfeld

I know I’m supposed to eat more fish but sometimes I just can’t do it. That piece of salmon stares up at me from the plate but I just don’t feel like eating it. What is it? Is it the bones, or the texture or the oiliness? I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s because fish just goes so well with rice, and rice really isn’t in the edible radar for me these days.

Don’t get me wrong, I do sometimes eat restaurant sushi, but for me, home-cooked fish means big bowls of rice, salty pickles and green tea. Somehow, removing the rice from the equation means I’d just rather not eat fish at all.

So I think I’ll just have a sandwich. Tuna, anyone?

The kids have the ability to make me insane, but no where is this truer, than in the car.

I think this is for so many reasons - the kids can’t get away from each other; I can’t get away from them; I’m trying to concentrate on my driving; they’re so darn loud!; they fight about everything; schlock pop music makes me mental; and so on.

But all is not lost. They also have the ability to instantly make me double over with laughter.

The other day, my younger daughter was trying to reach something in the back of the car by throwing herself over the back seat and this is what I heard:

“Yecch! I got your backpack in my mouth.”

Her sister: “Poor backpack!”

Feed me some good food and all is forgiven.

I’m starting to get more compassionate. I gotta watch that.

- George Carlin

Why is it that when anyone says “no offense but …” you know you have to brace yourself?

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

- Adrienne Gusoff

Mommy, how do we rewind the DVD?

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.

- Gilda Radner

I recently had some x-rays taken of my teeth on my latest visit to the dentist.  You know, where they stick that giant cardboard thing in your mouth, cover your body from the neck down in a giant lead bib, and the dental hygienist physically leaves the room while she zaps you?  It got me to thinking.  Why is it that they don’t protect your head (okay, I’m thinking specifically your brain here) in any way?  They are willing to protect practically your entire body, the hygienist heads for the hills, but they don’t protect your brain!  I don’t get it.