I’m hoping that I will look back at this time in my life as a period that helped define who I really am.  Cuz in all honesty, right now it sucks pretty darn bad. 

I just had a good sob and that helped somewhat. 

I’ve talked several times about the incredible support I get from so many people in my life.  Right now, the people whom I generally lean on are all dealing with their own issues, and I feel so helpless at times.

Having an addictive crutch I could turn to seems very appealing at this point (does caffeine-free Diet Pepsi count?)  And what exactly would that addiction be?  Bad-tasting fizzy brown water?  I could go to BTFBWA.  Think I may have to be the founder of that one.  Funny how the sarcasm never seems to abandon me.  It just includes more curse words.

Anyway, now that I feel I’m right in the thick of it all, I do NEED to write.  I’ve been looking very inwardly lately and I now need to spend some time spewing it all.  So, duck and cover.  This one may be ugly. 

I have been away from my “blogging practice” lately.  In pondering the whys of this situation, it dawned on me that I seem to have room for only so many “practices” at any one time in my life.  For instance, if I’m working hard on my healthy eating practice, my blogging practice drops off.  Or if I’m spending a lot of time on my cooking practice, some of my exercise practices may fall away. 

I have recently begun a new healing visualization practice, to work on ridding my body of the diabetes it does not need.  This is one practice I cannot afford to give up.

I have incorporated the healing visualizations into my regular meditation time, which is right before I go to sleep at night.  I originally began meditating because I had a hard time falling asleep.  I find that meditating calms my mind and body, and allows sleep to overtake me.  When I first started, I used a CD, but now I can usually reach a meditative state quite quickly and easily. 

Incorporating the visualizations has given my meditation more of a focus.  I get bored quite easily, so I alternate between many different scenarios in which I visualize my body returning to its healthy state.  One of the challenges of a chronic illness like diabetes is that my body sees this state as its “new normal.”  My body needs to be reminded of its once healthy self so it can begin the process to return there. 

As I watched my younger daughter tear up her spelling test today (because she did not get the mark she wanted), I tried to convince her that the number was unimportant. She had worked hard studying for the test over the past week, and that was more important than her actual score. But to her it was a big deal. She knew she had studied hard, so getting 3 wrong was like a slap in the face. She also used the number to compare herself to the other children sitting at her table. She decided that she was the “dumbest” because everyone else got a better mark than she did.

While my heart was breaking for her, I couldn’t help but think about how I too struggle against the numbers in my life. When I was younger it was mostly a struggle with my weight. I have only recently been public about how much I weigh because I want my daughters to think about their weight as just one number in the equation of their overall health: not the be-all and end-all of their existences. I know I will be only one influence in their lives and we will be at a constant battle against all that is evil in the media today. One of our family members already struggles with an eating disorder, and this is a huge problem amongst young girls these days.

The day-to-day struggle for me now is my blood sugar numbers. My older daughter today told me that my meter reading was bad (she is incredibly rule-bound). I tried to explain to her otherwise, but she retorted that it is supposed to be between 4 and 7, so everything else was bad. While I too try to convince myself that it is just a number, it’s incredibly hard to stave off the disappointment when things are not as you want them to be. One way I relieve my disappointment is through writing - my blog is definitely therapeutic. And many studies have validated the therapeutic value of writing - journaling your fears, regrets, anxieties, etc. is a good tool for lessening your negative emotions.

Other haunting numbers in my life are those in my bank account. For a while I was getting increasingly anxious about our debt. When I sat down and really thought about it (I meditated on it actually), I realized that I was equating the dollars in the bank (or lack thereof) with my self worth. I was interpreting my perceived lack of money as a reflection of my value as a person. I have never valued the “rat race,” but my challenge now is to earn more money while being true to my own needs and values. I try to reflect my values in where I spend my money, and I need to also reflect my values in how I earn money.

But my most pressing task is to help my daughter continue to see her own self worth in the face of disheartening “objective information.” To convince her that she is NOT her spelling test. That she is wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and delightful. And I’m not saying that just cuz I’m her mother.

I haven’t been blogging lately (painfully obvious, I know), but I’ve certainly been thinking about it, and writing on my little scraps of paper all over the place. I promise to get back on the blog-train soon. The countdown to “back to school” has begun and I can once again see the glimmer of hope that is my life.

What I learned on my summer vacation? ‘Tis better to experience the pangs of missing thy children, than to feel them breathing down thy neck.

It’s hard to believe, but Wednesday June 20, 2007 marks my first anniversary of blogging.

To celebrate the 90 some-odd posts on my life (in general and specific), my family, my friends, my diabetes, my obsession with food and all things tasty, and my overall conviction to have some laughs while still upright, I’d like to invite you all, dear readers, to post some comments.

I know, I know, you don’t really want to post anything because you’re enjoying your anonymity while being a voyeur into my life. But what about if I promise you a chance for some nifty prizes? Or at least an opportunity to be read by tens of people (who can resist that?) Or you could see it as a chance to use up that vast resource of puns you have at your ready disposal. Or just an avenue for congratulating me on sticking to something for a whole year (did I mention I get bored easily?)

The reasons are countless and my gratitude would be fathomless. So please, take a moment to post a nifty little comment. I so want to hear from you.

I was gone for a much-needed and much-enjoyed short holiday, but am now back and satisfying my craving for blogging. I had every intention of blogging while I was away, but since I abandoned all my other duties as mom, wife, chief shopper (okay I still shopped), and self-designated worrier, I kinda let the blogging slip as well.

Even though I didn’t access the computer, I still wrote. I can’t help it. I think it’s the way I fully experience things. I experience them first, then ruminate on things, then write about them, and then re-experience and sometimes re-interpret them. For me, the writing is another step in processing the events.

While I was away I also spent time working on suspending my judgments. This is a work in progress for me, as I assume it is for most people. I am constantly making judgments, and this is especially true when I am in new situations. I am also constantly working on digging deeper into those judgments to find out what’s really going on in that murky brain of mine. It is so easy to judge, and so easy to assume. It’s much easier than actually trying to learn from and communicate with those around us.

But with judging comes withdrawal, and reliance on stereotypes, and a few superiority dances. And it all relates back to searching for that holy grail in life - total and complete acceptance and love of oneself. If you have that, you don’t need to judge. You don’t need to withdraw, assume, or stereotype, and you certainly don’t need to do your “superior dance” (altho’ that can be fun).

So, I would highly recommend a break from regular life for everyone. Just to get out of that safe, daily routine that is your life. Busy-ness often leads me to put those blinders on and just do what I do. It’s good to shake things up a bit and reach a little farther. It also doesn’t hurt to indulge in life a bit, and have ice cream for dinner.

Many thanks to Teens, Kev, and the boys, for a lovely holiday, many fond memories, and lots of blog fodder!

When I started blogging I had to think long and hard about what I would publish and what I would keep to myself. For example, I have tons of hilarious anecdotes about my kids that I could share but many of them would be mortifying for them to read. I wanted my kids (and everyone else I know) to be able to read my blog and not hate my guts or feel they couldn’t share life with me anymore.

So, I thought I had been doing pretty well … until, after reading my blog, my daughter wanted to have a “butt-crack” discussion with me …